The hardest thing I thought I'd ever have to do was go through labor and give birth to you... But it wasn't.
Then I thought... The hardest thing I'd ever have to do was to keep you from harm through the toddler years, teach you right from wrong, teach you to love others while showing you how much I loved you... But it wasn't.
Then I thought... The hardest thing I'd ever have to do was watch you leave me on your first day of school, worrying about you, hoping you'd be all right without me by your side, reassuring you that I loved you... But it wasn't.
Then I thought... The hardest thing I'd ever have to do was get you through your younger years, do all the right things for you, spend enough time with you, try to be your friend as well as your mother, discipline you when I needed to, worry about you constantly and never let you forget how very much I loved you... But it wasn't.
Then I thought... The hardest thing I'd ever have to do was watch you grow into a teenager, help you make the right decisions, try to protect you, sometimes being tough on you, while all along, always trying to stay a friend to you, hoping I was doing everything I should for you, worrying about you all the time, reminding you how of how very much I loved you... But it wasn't.
Then I thought... The hardest thing I'd ever have to do was watch you grow into a young man, teaching you how to get along in the world by yourself, reminding you that you are never really alone while seeing you leave home to be on your own, letting you know I'd always be there for you, making sure you'd always remember how much I loved you... But it wasn't.
Now I know... The hardest thing I’ve ever had to do was open the door to your apartment, and see your body lying still, wanting you to smile at me and knowing that you couldn't, that you wouldn’t ever again, wanting you to get up and talk to me, to tell me you were ok, and knowing that you couldn't, that you wouldn’t ever again.
Now I know... The hardest thing I’ve ever had to do is live without you, knowing that my times with you are over.
Now I know... The hardest thing I’ve ever had to do is say good-bye to you, Mark, though you were so young, only twenty-four, I have so many memories of our times together and I'll never forget how much you changed my life. I hope while you were here you knew, just how much you meant to me, And how very much I loved you.
I hope you know now, just how much you still mean to me How much a part of my life you still are and how very much I still love you.
REMEMBER ME / Mum
To the living, I am gone.
To the sorrowful, I will never return.
To the angry, I was cheated.
But to the happy, I am at peace.
And to the faithful, I have never left.
I cannot speak, but I can listen.
I cannot be seen, but I can be heard.
So as you stand upon a shore,
gazing at a beautiful sea-
remember me!
As you look in awe at the mighty forest
and its grand majesty-
remember me!
Remember me in your heart,
your thoughts and your memories.
Of the times we loved, the times we cried,
the times we fought, the times we laughed!
For if you always think of me,
I will have never gone!
Happy 28th Birthday Mark 02/15/08 / Mum
I WILL LOVE YOU!
As long as I can dream while awake or asleep, As long as there's a thought in my head to think, As long as I have a memory to remember you, As long as I am your mother, Sue... I WILL LOVE YOU!
As long as I have eyes with which to see, As long as I have lips with which to speak, As long as I have ears with which to hear, As long as I feel your spirit near... I WILL LOVE YOU!
As long as I have a brain with which to think, As long as I have a soul stirring within me, As long as I have a heart with which to feel, As long as I have an imagination to hold you, still... I WILL LOVE YOU!
As long as there is time on the hands of a clock, As long as there is love in a single heart, As long as I have a breath of air to breathe, As long as I have a voice and your name to speak... I WILL LOVE YOU!
As long as angels have wings with which to fly, As long as celestial beings fill the night sky, As long as Heaven is the land of the living, As long as eternity is what God is still giving.. I WILL LOVE YOU! BECAUSE I LOVE YOU WITH ALL MY HEART AND SOUL!
Written on February 15, 2008, for your 28th birthday. Happy Birthday Mr Markie Malarkie!
St. Patrick's Day 2007 / Mum Mark, I know that you were at The Dropkick Murphy concert with us tonight!! I know you must be so incredibly proud of Brian!! They came out playing your favorite song...For Boston!!! I just wish that you were here so you could brag abut him! It was AWESOME to see him onstage playing the pipes with them. I am so very proud of him!! I know you were celebrating St Paddy's Day in Heaven with St Paddy himself and bragging about your baby brother up there too!! Tomorrow I will stop by the cemetary and have a green beer and a baileys with you. Life is so bittersweet without you here. You have been gone for almost 26 months and you have missed so many, many things. I long to hug you and kiss you and just caress your cheek. I long to smell your scent and hear your voice. I wish I could hear you call me Sue. Please come and visit me in my dreams tonight. Watch over all your family and keep us safe and sound. You are always in my heart and on my mind!! Hugs and kisses to Heaven Baby!! xoxoxoxoxoxox
MARKY/ Molly Flynn (Sister) This is a tribute that Molly wrote for Mark and read at the funeral home on the day of Mark's funeral. It was lost and she just found it and asked me to put it on the website.
January 23, 2005 MARKY Mark was my biggest brother. I would have to say that he was the nicest brother I ever had. I miss him so much! The last time I saw him, the last words I remember him saying were: "I wish I was a priest so that I could marry Barbara and Eric." Sometimes I just feel like giving up, but I know that Mark wouldn't want that. I remember that whenever it snowed, Mark would take us sledding over the college. I remember the time when Mark and I went to the movies, we saw the Incredibles! That was our special day. After the movies, we went to his house and then my Mom came and took me home. I'll never forget that day! Mark always made me laugh or smile! It will never be the same! I miss him so much, and so does everyone else! Sometimes I go to sleep hoping that when I wake up, it was all a horrible nightmare, but it's not. I miss him more than anything in the world! I try to remember the happy times, not the bad! No offense to my other brothers, but Mark was my favorite! I miss him so much! He was so young, and I hope that God's will was done in his life! I LOVE YOU MARKY!
HELP ME TO LIVE / Mum
Help Me To Live by Susan Flynn
You changed the path of my life When I was barely sixteen. You gave me a focus, A reason to dream.
Your birth was traumatic, The cord round your neck You were born psychedelic purple, Without heartbeat or breath.
They whisked you away, Before I even saw you. Doctors and nurses doing what they do, Brought you to life, pink cheeks instead of blue.
Finally I met you, My sweet baby boy, My chest swelled with pride, My heart swelled with joy.
I made you a promise That very first night, To love you and protect you, With all my strength and might.
So quickly you grew, From a wee tiny one, Into a man, My wonderful son.
There were struggles and trials, Throughout your short life, Loneliness and pain, that cut like a knife.
No love here on earth Would ever be enough, To take away your pain, Though through it you stood tough.
When the pain and loneliness were too much to bear, You made a decision To end your life here.
Your death was traumatic Just like your birth, A belt round your neck, As you left this earth.
Your pain it exploded And drifted away, And fills my heart To the brim every day.
You changed the path of my life When I was forty-two, On that cold Friday night January 21st, when I found you.
Cold and alone, You sat on the floor, Gone from this world, Not here any more.
Panic and shock, Anguish and grief, No end in sight, I see no relief.
My days are filled With longing and why’s, Trying to understand Why you chose to die.
It’s hard to remember The happiest of times, When my mind is filled instead With questions of my crimes.
Often I yell and scream Trying to quiet the guilt inside, Guilt I have That isn’t really justified.
Because when I look back From today to July 1979, I know how much I"ve loved you From that moment in time.
I tried my best To be a good mother, it’s true, To protect you, to teach you And most of all to love you.
To ease your pain, To make you strong, No it wasn’t my fault That things went wrong.
The disease in your brain Took you away, And left my heart broken, That horrible day.
Now I live on, With my heart broken in two I never thought this was something I’d be able to do.
Your living in heaven, Happy, healthy and whole, Doing God’s work, Which was always your goal.
I know that someday, I’ll see you again, When my work here is done And my earthly life ends.
You’ll be there to greet me, My hand you’ll grasp, And I’ll get to hug you And kiss you at last!
To touch you and see you, To hear your sweet voice, That is the moment, My soul will rejoice.
So until that day comes When we’re no longer apart, Help me to live With my broken heart.
Give me the strength, To walk through my days, Living and loving, Like the Lord says.
I Love You, Mark, With all My Heart and Soul!
Mum
Written on 01/20/2007 in tribute to you Baby.
A Letter To Mark / Kathy Van Gorder (Aunt)
Dear Mark... I can't believe that it has been 2 years since you have been gone. I know how much my heart aches and how much I miss you, but I can't imagine the pain that your family must have. I wanted to make sure even though it is very emotional, that I am here today to honor you, to love you and to show you how much I miss you. I'm sorry that others can't make it because it is too painful for them. But there is nobody that has more pain than your family. Sometimes when I think of you I smile and other times I have tears in my eyes. There is no certain time that I miss you the most. It's just the every day things that get to me. I wish you were here: *to fight with me *to go fishing *to watch the sunset *to walk along the beach at Manomet *to eat a quarter pounder with cheese *to taste your spaghetti sauce *to see your beautiful smile *to have one of our many talks *to see the love you have for Nana and Papa *to see the beautiful garden your mother made you *to prank Papa Gino's *to eat fries with REAL ketchup, HEINZ *to give your Mother a hug and tell her how much you love her *to tease all the kids *to watch the Patriots game. As each day passes, I miss you more. It doesn't seem to get better. At Christmas I want us to hang a stocking with your name on it. In January I want you to blow out the candles with Kaitryn on her birthday. In February I want to give you a hug for Valentine's day. I also want to blow out the candles with you on mine, yours and Mikey's birthdays. In March I want to draw shamrocks with you and dress in green. In April I want to color Easter eggs with you. In May I want to smell all the flowers with you. In June I want to watch the parade with you. In July I want to watch the fireworks with you. In August I want to celebrate your Mom's birthday with you. In September I want to watch the leaves change color with you. In October I want to pick a pumpkin with you. In November I want to spend Thanksgiving with you. Every time I do these things, I think of you and wish you were here. I love you! Love Your Favorite Auntie, Kathy
WE ARE CONNECTED / Mum WE ARE CONNECTED We are connected, my MARK and I, By an invisible cord, not seen by the eye. It's not like the cord that connects us at birth This cord can't be seen by any one on Earth. This cord does its work right from the start. It binds us together, it's attached to my heart. I know that it's there, though no one can see, The invisible cord leading from my child to me. The strength of this cord is hard to describe. It can't be destroyed, it can't be denied. It's stronger than any cord man could create, It'll with stand any test, can hold any weight. And though he is gone, though he is not here with me, The cord is still here, even if no one can see. It pulls at my heart, I am bruised...I am sore, But this cord is my lifeline, as never before. I am thankful that God connects us this way, A mother and child--Death can't take the cord away!
Author Unknown
MY DREAM OF YOU 07/09/06 / Mum I saw you in a crowded place, standing all alone. I wondered was it really you, or was it just your clone. I walked up and asked you, "Mark, are you really here??" You answered in the positive, it was good to have you near. Your hair was long and braided, and full of beautiful charms. I looked at you with longing, wanting to hold you in my arms. You told me that you earned each charm in your braided hair every time you helped someone here, from over there. Then you pulled one long and decorated braid free and said you'd earned each charm by helping me. I asked if I could have my braid to take back home and keep You said I wouldn't be able to... and I couldn't speak. You said you were a spirit and I couldn't even hug you that if I even tried to kiss you, my head would fall right through. So I stood there in your presence, seeing your beautiful smile listening to your gentle voice even if only for a little while. Relief came flooding over me, as I realized you are always near and I know that you are taking care of me from over there. To see you in my dream was more helpful than I can say, as I thought I couldn't find you and that you had gone away. I rarely felt you around me like I used to and it made me cry, but your braids have shown me that helping others is the reason why. I miss you and I love you with all my heart and soul, my dream of you has helped me more than you could know. So I'm sure my braid is longer with a charm made out of gold and all the love you've given me is returned to you ten fold.
I love you Mark Jasson Van Gorder, with all my heart and soul!!!!
LOVE/ Mum
I found this poem in one of Mark's books. The page was folded over and stained by tears. I am sure it was a favorite of his. Ironically, it describes how I feel about my precious son. I love you, Mr. Markie Malarkie, with all my heart and soul.
Love
I love you, Not only for what you are, But for what I am When I am with you.
I love you, Not only for what You have made of yourself, But for what You are making of me.
I love you For the part of me That you bring out; I love you for putting your hand Into my heaped-up heart And passing over All the foolish, weak things That you can't help Dimlyseeing there, And for drawing out Into the light All the beautiful belongings That noone else had looked Quite far enough to find.
I love you because you Are helping me to make Of the lumber of my life Not a tavern But a temple; Of the works Of my every day Not a reproach But a song.
I love you Because you have done More than any creed Could have done To make me good, And more than any fate Could have done To make me happy.
You have done it Without a touch, Without a word, Without a sigh. You have done it By being yourself. Perhaps that is what Being a friend means, After all.
~Roy Croft
Untitled Poem by / Mark Jasson Van Gorder
Untitled
When feeling down or just not great See all the beauty in every state Look up and see the wonders of life Put aside all your pain and all your strife Enjoy the moment make it last Forget your troubles forget the past Our lives are short in the scheme of time Open your eyes and open your mind See the simple things for what they are Beautifully enchanting like a shooting star
A translucent web weaved around me As hard as I tried I couldn't break free It held me strong gripping tight Keeping me from moving to put up a fight I easily became angry and was going insane The more I tried to fight, stronger it became It drained my energy, it was almost gone An evil circle that went on and on There was only one end that I could see But then I found the secret key It loosened the web and I was able to fight Shining upon me a brand new light I built up my strength, so finally I could see And now I move on happy and free
Watching the sunset slowly away All the flowers blooming in may The moon rising up into the night sky A waterfall pouring off a cliff up so high The starlight sky on a warm summers night A single rose in the snow red and bright The snowflakes falling from above A man and woman making love As beautiful as all of these things can be None are as beautiful as you are to me
What is hate without love You can love without hate You can't hate without love There lies the difference Love is unconditional Don't be fooled hate is not There is no end to love Don't be fooled there is to hate Love is passionate Hate is not Love gives you happieness and sadness Hate gives you nothing Love can cause grief Hate can feel good Love is peace of mind Hate drives you insane Love is releif Hate is not So can you love without hate Only with absolute faith
A speck of dirt on the earth Mearly a speck with no self worth Buried away can't see the real Dig out and see the truth unveil Not a speck with no self worth A shining star above the earth Standing out amongst all others Enchanting man and his brothers Shining true for all of time Captivating all who see the shine Try to conceive thetruth and see Not dirt, a star shining free
Coming up bringing a new light A fresh start to begin the fight The fight of life begins anew Every morning do what you do The light shining bright and so strong Giving me all the more reason to go on The fresh crisp smell of morning air Lifts me up reminding me why I'm here To enjoy life and all it brings Like when you hear the birds sing And when the wind makes trees dance And how the stars put me in a trance And the colours of the sun rising in the sky Life is beautiful and these remind me why
When skys are gray And things won't go my way You bring out the sun Making life fun You make me feel real My heart you steal Smiling inside me I wish you could see The way I feel On clouds I sail When you get close to me In my stomach flying free The butterflies soar And I nervous to the core Want to tell you how I feel Scared and so I tuck my tail
Dancing as it hits the ground Like music playing with no sound Falling from the heavens down Peaceful in me need not frown Watching as time falls away Enchanting eternity here I stay Take things for what they're worth A second in time to death from birth
The darkness ruled my life once before Pain was my life and nothing more I lived my life in anger and fear I hated my life I just didn't care Sometimes I used to wish I was dead But now I wish to be happy instead I've worked on my issues and now I feel good I guess she was right when she told me I would Finally I'm taking control of my life Instead of letting darkness cause me pain and strife Every now and again I still feel alone and sad So I look ahead and hope seeing good instead of bad Now I rule my life and nothing else Noone can take that from me I earned it myself Going through all that pain and sorow I've become a better person for tomorow
They are both destined for eternity Meant for each other meant to be Believing alone in the scheme of time Each is looking for the other to find Unbeknownst to those who seek another Destiny draws them to the the other Time draws near soon they shall unite Both are strong with universal might Each so different yet equally the same One a blazing inferno, one a freezing plain At last they meet their journey's at it's end And yet it begins, enchanting eternity again and again
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